Sunday, December 02, 2007

Sunday Wit from Jeremy Clarkson

“This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Ooh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.’”

“I’m sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”

“We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.”

“America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for wanker.”
On the Alfa Romeo Brera… “I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I’m nursing a semi!”

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: “there is a word to describe this car: it begins with “s” and ends with “t” and its not “soot”.Hammond: “So its fairly terrible then?”Clarkson:”Oh no…losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!”

“…the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.”

“Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you.”

“The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”

“Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… BEING STABBED?”

“The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.”

(Mercedes CLs55): “Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.”

“I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”

“If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it takes 10 years to do what ebola does to you in 10 days!”

On Mandela’s claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! “Well Mr Mandela why don’t you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted.”

On the Lotus Elise: “This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force crashing into a firework factory.”

“Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”

On the Porsche Cayenne: “Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.”

1 comment:

KG said...

" It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.”"
Love it!